A Change of Perspective

Ever since I was a little girl, I have watched and admired my 
mother. I observed her as she nourished and nurtured my younger 
siblings. I noticed how selfless she was and how she always went out 
of her way to make sure our family was happy and safe. 
Every time she talked about one of her children, I noticed how much 
love she had for us...pure and selfless love. 
I have watched my mother, loved her, and desired to be like her. 

Growing up, I have always dreamed of the day that I would get to start
 my own family. I have always talked about how I wanted a big home 
full of children to love. Since being married, Brett and I have been 
thrilled and anxious to expand our family. We were awed by the 
responsibility of parenthood, but at the same time were 
dedicated to be our best.  

For the past 13 months we have prayed, fasted, hoped, planned 
and prepared to increase our family. We have watched others around 
us get pregnant or have children, and become all the more excited for 
the time we would be able to add beautiful children to our home. 
However month after month for the past year, we have gone 
without success. 

While Brett has been steadfast to support me, I must admit, there have 
been times where I have found myself feeling weak and heart-broken. 
I feel very selfish because I know that there are others who 
have been waiting and trying to conceive much longer than we have. 
I look to them as examples of faith and hope. 

As much as I try to be strong, there have been times where I can't help 
but break down from feeling so weak and overwhelmed. 
Month after month, questions seem to enter my mind....
"What am I doing wrong?", "Does Heavenly Father not trust us
with his children?", "When is it going to be our turn?", 
"Is there something wrong with me?", 
"How can Heavenly Father command us to multiply and 
replenish the earth, but then, at the same time, not allow us to do so?", 
"Am I being punished?". 

It is challenge and a trial I am reminded of on a daily basis. 
Some days I am in denial, some days I blame myself, 
some days I ask Heavenly Father, "why me?", 
some days I feel so much heartache and absolutely broken inside. 

In spite of my feelings, I have often found myself on my knees praying 
to Heavenly Father...explaining my desire to be a mother.... 
promising that I would be a better person if I could conceive.
 I would set goals and work to achieve them.... 
trying to be the best I could be so that Heavenly Father 
would trust me to be a mother. At the end of each month of progress, 
my heart would break all over again, when I would realize I wasn't pregnant. 

In the past two months, I have prayed for a 
change of perspective
I was seriously blessed at conference. 
I was reminded of the simple fact that 
Heavenly Father loves me so much, and has not forgotten me. 

In my life, it has been so easy to have "faith" in the Savior and 
trust my Heavenly Father when things were going well- 
when things went exactly "according to plan". 
There has been a scripture that has meant more to me
 in the past thirteen months, than it ever has in my life....

"Dispute not because ye see not, 
for ye receive no witness until after 
the trial of your faith..." 
(Ether 12:6).

Growing up, I have learned about faith in primary and young womens...
 I taught it while serving a mission. In the past year I have learned
 more about faith and patience than I ever thought possible.
I have learned that faith is only determined when it is tried. I have learned
that absolute faith and trust is what really matters, especially when things 
don't go according to plan. I have learned that I shouldn't "doubt" 
because I haven't received a certain witness (or blessing) yet.
 It doesn't mean the blessing won't come. 
It doesn't mean that I should feel abandoned or forgotten. 
It just means the trial isn't over yet. 
 It means to hang on. To hold tight. 
It means to learn whatever I can during the trial and to always look 
for the tender mercies in my life.
 It means to be patient, and rely on the Lord's timetable. 
Absolute trust means to have faith when it's easy and when it's not.
 It means to stay on course until the promised blessings come. 

I love this thought and promise from conference-

"Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be,
 you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no 
matter how insignificant your may feel, no matter how overshadowed 
you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. 
In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.... 
He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely... 
If you only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, 
heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow. 

You are destined for more 
than you can possibly imagine. 
Continue to increase in 
faith and personal righteousness."
-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf


I know that Heavenly Father IS aware of me. 
He knows when I feel discouraged. He DOES in fact know the 
desires of my heart... but he also knows my potential for growth. 
He knows that it is only through trials that I will reach my full potential. 

I know that this trial is not over, and that Brett and I will probably 
endure much more time without the possibility of conceiving.... 
but I know that as we trust and believe completely we will have
 the patience to overcome and understand our divine purposes. 

3 comments:

  1. Oh courtney....there is nothing you are doing wrong...you will be a great mother when the time comes....our time is not his time. I know amanda often wonders what lessons she must learn...she has been trying for 3 years with no luck :( and alli got pregnant within her first 6 months.....she knows how you feel. I am impressed with your faith and with your wisdom. Thank you for the scriptures and quotes they help with many trials I am personally facing and your change of perspective has inspired many more than just me I am certain...or will as others read :) you are amazing!

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  2. Courtney, your post made me cry. You couldn't have described it any better. I will be reading it at least a couple more times. I hope you realize how much of a strength you are to me. It makes me so sad that you guys are going through this, but you are strong in your faith and I know that you will be greatly blessed. This is one of the most difficult trials, but it's not because Heavenly Father has forgotten you. It's because He thinks you are worth handing a trial to that not too many could endure. There are days where I can hardly endure it -- many days. It will never get any easier, but your strength and faith will grow in ways that wouldn't be possible if you hadn't been given this trial. One day we will understand and know the answers. I am grateful that you had the strength to write about your feelings and what you're going through. You have helped me in indescribable ways. I hope I can be a strength to you and be there for you whenever you need me. I love you guys.

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  3. Courtney- we are going through the same thing; thanks for sharing your experience.

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