Waiting for the Stork

Most definitely a lot has happened to Brett and I since our last anniversary.
Brett completed his internship with Deloitte and was offered a job.
We have begun to make preparations to move to Phoenix next summer. 
We are approaching our LAST 2 semesters of school (hoo ra)...
This past year has been a whirlwind of opportunities, and gratitude fills out hearts. 

Throughout the course of these exciting opportunities, we have continued to try to expand our family. 
This journey hasn't been the easiest for us (okay mostly for me...).
Brett and I felt pretty quickly after being married that we were supposed to start a family. 
It's been 2 years now trying to make this happen. 
After a miscarriage, several trips to the ER, 
and being told that it could take up to 7 more years for us to have a family,
 we have been faced with a number of emotions. 

Heartache.
Confusion.
Exhaustion.

I guess we can just say, for us it has been no walk in the park.
We do lots of those. Walks that is. 
And if it were that easy, we would have like a billion children by now.
Normally, I am not one to share my feelings about infertility. 
It is a trial that I like to hold close to home and only discuss with those closest to me.
I hate to appear weak. I hate to burden others with feelings of pain. 

So for all you silent sufferers (and I know you are out there),
and my dear friends that I know have been struggling as well, 
I hope with all of my heart that you read this and know that you are loved. 
My goal in writing this is to let you know you are not alone--- 
and that you are SO important to your Heavenly Father. 


There are those of you who ARE that lucky out there. 
Whose husbands seemingly only have to wink at you, and bam....pregnant. 

For the longest time, that was always the hardest part for me. 
Feeling left in the dust.
Feeling inadequate and unable. 
Watching everyone I know welcome beautiful bundles covered in peach fuzz.
Quite honestly.... it is sometimes nearly unbearable. 
Not because I am not thrilled for the new parents... 
but because it is a constant reminder of my trial and the things I am unable to attain. 

Before I proceed, I need to mention one other thing. 
A moment goes out to my stud of a husband. 
I know I talk about him a lot,
 but I seriously couldn't go on day to day if it were not for him.
Brett is truly the MOST level headed individual I have ever known. 
He has always been able to see the bigger picture. 
That man truly has a perspective like no other-- 
it has helped us to both stay perfectly happy and calm along our journey. 
To calm my nerves when I needed it the most. 
I love him,
He will make one heck of a father. 


In the past month, as we have continued to pray, hope and discuss the expansion of our family,
several times the discussion of adoption has been brought up. 
I cannot say that we have not considered adoption prior to this point.
We have. 
But especially lately, I have begun to question if it is something 
our family should begin to prepare more earnestly.
I guess earlier, I would think about adoption in passing. 
Lately, the matter of adoption rests on our minds more frequently.

To be honest, the thought has always scared me a little. 
I consider myself a faithful and determined person.
I almost felt as though if we were to explore other avenues of having children, 
I was a failure. That I was giving up. 
Not to mention, Brett and I have always dreamed of a little look-a-like. 
Would they have dark hair like mine? Or maybe bright blue eyes like their daddy?
There is just something special about a woman's role of bringing her children into the world.
That is a role I have ALWAYS wanted to fill.  

A few weeks back, I had a precious experience that, once again, 
had an impact on my perspective of infertility. 
I was serving in the temple pondering why we have to struggle with infertility.
I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons, some physical, others spiritual.

That day I was helping out at the front of the temple. 
(one of my favorite things to do by far)
I love seeing the joy of people coming to the temple. 

I was especially blessed to greet a small family that morning. 
There is no denying the light that filled their eyes. 
It was a young couple - dressed in white. 
The young father holding a small little boy - dressed in white. 
As the small family asked for some directions, I asked them about their visit. 
The small boy gleamed as he said, 
"Today I get a forever family".
Both parents eyes welled up as they both hugged and kissed that beautiful child. 


I later found out that the family had adopted the small boy from Haiti. 


It was like an answer that I had never expected. 
It came to my mind that one reason for our infertility may be to lead us to consider adoption. 
What a peaceful assurance. 
We do not yet know for certain that we will end up adopting a baby...
but we do know that Heavenly Father has been preparing us for that possibility. 

I have found that one thing that helps me, 
when I am feeling sad about our current situation,  is writing letters. 
Letters to OUR future bundle of joy.
I know it sounds a little cheesey--- think what you want.
I honestly felt a little strange as I first began to jot down these little notes. 
But later, I found it filling me with more hope than sorrow. 
Recently I wrote the following...


To MY sweet little baby,
     It does not matter how you come to us, we will love you just the same.
 I want you to know, that I know, for absolute certain, that Heavenly Father has a plan for you. 
It does not matter how you come to us, because you are still meant to be ours.
 Every morning when I wake, every night before I sleep, 
and a million times in between I pray for you.
 I pray that I will be in tune with the spirit so that 
I might know how to provide the way for you to join our family.
 I pray that you will be healthy
I pray that I can be the kind of mother that Heavenly Father wants me to be. 
I pray for you, because I love you.
I pray that I will get to meet you soon


I know that this our journey is still ongoing-- and probably will be for sometime.
But oh how grateful I am for the knowledge of a kind Heavenly Father who loves me. 
Who showers me with tender mercies and love. 
Who opens a door when i think all hope might be lost. 

I guess my point for writing this all is to say that hope is never lost. 
No infertility trial is the same (that I know), but I ALSO know that we are not forgotten.
That the Lord IS aware of me. He is aware of YOU.
That there is light at the end of the tunnel. 
And although the trial is probably one of the MOST difficult challenges a woman may have to face,
WE ARE BLESSED. 
Hold on. Don't give up. Look for the blessings. 
Because they are there- and they are REAL.







23 comments:

  1. Courtney you are already a great mommy! Your bundles of joy will have great examples of how to bring the gospel to others, and live it everyday. I love that you write letters to your child already. What a great thing to pass on when they get older. And what a sweet story about the family at the temple.

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    1. Thanks Kylee! That means a lot! I hope that you and your sweet family are doing well!

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  2. Oh how I just love you! I appreciate your words and I want you to know that you are a strentgh and an example of faith to many. I will tell you that adoption is so sweet. I was adopted into the most beautiful family and I am grateful to have them in my life forever. Every day I wake up and feel so extremly blessed to have the life I have. Many ask if I want to see my "real" mom and the answer is always maybe someday just to thank her for the life she gave me but for the most part I feel like I was born into my precious family and I love my mom and dad so much I don't know what I would do without them. You will be the best mommy. You are one amazing lady. I will pray for you! Big hugs!

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    1. Awe Jess... I just love YOU!!! You have no idea how much your words meant to me. I always forget that you were adopted... that is just such a great reminder about the power of adoption in my eyes. You are such a great example to me and I can only imagine how wonderful your family is and the great influences they have been in your life. Thanks again for being so thoughtful and such a hero to me! You are an amazing person that I love so much!

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  3. I have been there my friend. It is pain I never knew I could feel. The soul wrenching sobs, to the monthly disappointment, I can say I have felt your pain. I will say, keep your head up. When, not if, you become a Mon it will be that much more amazing. We have a miracle, and I know you will one day as well. It took us a few years, so don't give up. You are in our prayers..

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    1. Miriam! Wow it's great to hear from you! Thanks so much for your sweet compassion. It's wonderful to know that there are others our there who can empathize. Your son is truly precious! Thanks again for the reminder of hope!

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  4. My Sweet Coco:
    There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that you will be better.
    You will be better not because of genetics, or money or that you have read more books, but because you have struggled and toiled for your child.
    You have longed and waited. You have cried and prayed. You have endured and planned over and over again.
    Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. . . . . . . .

    Never give up and never stop believing! You and Brett will make WONDERFUL parents!
    Love, Mom


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    1. Wow... I just welled up. I love you Mom. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. Thanks for teaching me to have consistent faith. I attribute that to you. I love you so very much!

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  5. Courtney,

    Your are a strong woman!!!! An inspiration. Heavenly Father has BIG plans for you and your right..He loves you! I have not been faced with infertility but I know that if I ever do...I'm calling you. You have so much faith and determination. Your mother is right...sometimes the things most worthwhile are the hardest things to achieve. You are a beautiful and worthy woman and Heavenly Father has children who are rejoicing at the sight of their mother who is so strong and dedicated in the gospel. Heavenly Father has placed a great amount of responsibility on you the past couple of years because He trusts you. He will not leave you comfortless. Your eye is on the goal and its a worthy one. The hardest part is realizing that the Lord is always there in a trial but you already know that...you know the Lord. I'm excited to see what the future brings to the Aitken family! Please know that your perceived weakness is not so...but it is a strength for so many! Just love you! Keep up the great work! As my dad always says...when in the middle of a trial there is bound to be something good just around the corner!

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    1. MicKenzie! It is great to hear from you! I hope that both you and Trevor are doing well. Thanks so much for your thoughts and sweet words of encouragement. You are such an amazing girl and i have so much respect and admiration for YOU! Thanks again for thinking to send the sweet thoughts! They mean a lot!

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  6. Not a fun journey to go through but your day will come. I know from personnel experience how hard it can be. Stay strong. The lord is always mindful of you and brett. It will make the day you hold your little one all the more special and the struggle will have been worth it.

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    1. Justine! You are the sweetest. Thanks so much for your thoughtful message. It seriously is so nice to be able to have such strong examples of hope. Thanks for reaching out and your kind words! Hope you and your family are doing well!!!

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  7. holy smokes, thank you for opening up and sharing this courtney, that could not have been easy. you are an incredible woman and just from reading your blog your testimony is vibrant and has touched my life in little ways that are often times just what i need. hang in there! thank you again for sharing this, you are so sweet and you WILL be blessed!

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    1. thanks kels but i think YOU are the inspiring one! I seriously love reading and catching up on your blog. Your little family is so precious. I don't think you could be any cuter of a mom! You can just tell that you are so filled with love for your little guy! I hope that when i get the chance to have a family, i can emulate those qualities. You're such an example to ME and i hope you know that! Thanks for all you do!

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  8. Courtney, your post touched my heart. There is a girl in my ward that is our age and going through the adoption process right now. They are the SWEETEST couple. She keeps a blog that talks about their adoption process. Hopefully you can find comfort in her journey as well. http://waitingforyouwithlovetogive.blogspot.com/

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you...
    Love, Ashlee Reeder

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    1. Ash!!! This is the sweetest! Thanks so much! Girl I miss you! How are you and that cute husband if yours! I seriously think about you ALL the time! I would love to catch up sometime!

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  9. Hi Courtney,

    I just found your blog looking for YWIE ideas. I was drawn to look further and this particular post touched me for lots of reasons. Mostly because we too have the same struggle. We adopted almost a year ago and while working in the Boston temple we felt adoption would be in our path. We just didn't know when or how. And now we think adoption is the greatest thing on earth. Miracles happen!

    Thanks for sharing, I know it's not easy but it helps knowing others feel the same way!

    Best-
    Megan M

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  10. I found your blog today from a cute gratitude quote on pinterest. It is a small world and I happened to read this post. I love adoption. It is miraculous and you can not help but feel God in the details of your life. Just wanted to share the story of our son's adoption. He is about to turn seven and it has been such bliss. Good luck in your struggles to build your family. However those precious children come to you...they can be yours eternally.

    http://themichiganders.blogspot.com/2008/05/our-adoption-story.html

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  11. I found your blog by looking for YW handouts and camp stuff. Can I just tell you that every word that you wrote has crossed my mind a million times and I'm practically sitting here in tears!? My husband and I are just now beginning fertility testing after 4 years. I've had simliar experiences in the temple and am so thankful to have such a strong loving husband by my side. Thank you for sharing your thoughts - I needed them. I love that you write letters to your future children. What better way to express to them how much you already care about them and love them then before they even bless your life? Pretty sure I'm going to start doing that. Thanks again and good luck!!!!

    Diondra

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  12. You know, I have never struggled with infertility. But I will say, it seems like the grass is always greener. We had kids right away, not planning on it. And they have been a blessing, something I wouldn't trade for the world. But there are days where I wish I could be free, go on a weekend escape with my hubby and not have to worry about little people, or making loads of plans to take the little people.
    Some days I wish I had had more time with my hubby, just the two of us. Getting to know each other better, vacations, serving together.
    I realize that this doesn't help much. But I will say I am learning to enjoy the moment I am in. Grass is always greener. But I have blessings, and so do you. Thanks for sharing.

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  13. Courtney,
    Can I first say I love your stuff and so appreciate you sharing it with all of us to use for our cute young women. Your story touched by heart as i've been told it will be a trial of my future. You're such a sweet person and I feel like I know you from reading your blog. Thank you for sharing what's in your heart. Heavenly Father does know us and I'm so happy that you are pregnant. You'll be a fantastic mother!
    -Lisa Carson

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  14. Courtney,
    Can I first say I love your stuff! You are so talented and I'm so grateful you are willing to share for our cute young women to have these special handouts. Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing what is dear to you. As this is a trial I've been told since 14 i'd experience. This gives me hope that it'll work out when the time is right. Thank you. You'll be an incredible mommy.
    -Lisa Carson

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  15. I just found your blog off of sugardoodle and fell in love. Your printables are beautiful and so thought out thank you for that. I came across this post that you wrote and loved it. My husband and I were not able to have kids and after four years of trying we decided to adopt. I have to tell you that it has been the most incredible journey. We have since adopted 4 siblings and are currently adopting a 5th. Im sure that if I would have carried these kids numbers 4 and 5 would have been left off. Thankful my father in heaven knew that and we have been blessed with 5 beautiful kids. Keep your faith because it will happen. Its never a if....it will be and has always been a when. Take care.
    Laurie

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